you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
