I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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