If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
