I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize