Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You ruined the universe
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize