At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My breasts were aching with rage.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My vagina is very pro this idea
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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