i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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