According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
