1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
