He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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