Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
