The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
