i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
