I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize