I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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