I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
