My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
