i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
