Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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