Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
