HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
