It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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