I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
