happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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