So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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