Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
