I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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