I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
are you so shy because you have an std?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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