does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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