And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's shark week go big or go home
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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