I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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