This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
