So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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