Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Green mimosas i think yes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
