Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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