I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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