Plan B is the new Plan A
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
