He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
