How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So many bounce houses so little time
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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