Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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