so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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