So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
