Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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