My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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