Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
