you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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