dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
