If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize