i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
