Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
