the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
