he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize