Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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