I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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