i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
