happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
