So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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