Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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