just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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